i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My ATM looks so different sober.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
you inspire me to be a worse person
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
