either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
