Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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