you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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