I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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