when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
