Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
