When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
