If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
