Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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