were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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