its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
