You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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