Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
there is puke in my bra ... again
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
