I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
