just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Sorry my hands just texted you
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
