One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize