can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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