She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize