I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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