there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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