We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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