I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I believe in your delicious
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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