Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
whose parrot is this?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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