We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
