My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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