Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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