Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
