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I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
