Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
