You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
