I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
