Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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