if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
