Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
