His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
