Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
