Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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