after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
