Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
