If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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