The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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