So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
