Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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