this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
