Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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