You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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