I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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