He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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