do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
