All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
