DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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